An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party.
The Englishman took six bottles of beer.
The Irishman took six crates of Guinness.
The Scotsman took six friends.
Then there was the Irishman who got a large envelope through the post with a
sticker on it saying: PHOTOS - DO NOT BEND.
So he wrote 'OH YES THEY DO' on it and sent it back.
CLASSIFIED AD: For sale, leopardskin coat. Condition - spotless.
SIGN IN PUB: 'Will customers please note that the large Polo mints in the urinals
are not to be eaten.'
Then there was the Irishman who bragged that he spoke Esperanto like a native.
Why do Scottish pipers walk up and down while they're playing?
Because it makes them harder to hit.
SIGN IN CHURCH: 'We regret that the box marked 'FOR THE SICK' must be reserved
henceforth for monetary contributions only.'
Teacher: 'Tell me, young fellow, who went to Mount Olive?'
Pupil: 'Popeye?'
Welsh atheists have started a dial-a-prayer service.
When you phone them up, nobody answers.
NEWSFLASH:
Irish scientists have just discovered a method of doing away with insecticides.
They've invented a spray that kills all the crops so the insects starve to death.
Scot: 'I'd like some deodorant if ye please.'
Chemist: 'Aerosol?'
Scot: 'No ye great fool - it's fer under me arms!'
How do you get a Scotsman on a roof?
Tell him the beer's on the house.
Did you hear about the sailor who wanted to be buried at sea?
His brother drowned trying to dig him a grave.
The Scotsman and his wife asked their daughter what she wanted for Christmas.
She told them: 'I wanna watch.'
So they let her.
You can always tell an Englishman - but you can't tell him much!
NEWSFLASH:
A Welshman was fined £100 today for having sex with a goat.
His friend was fined £50 for acting the goat.
Did you hear about the man who went playing golf and only hit two balls a day?
He stood on a garden rake.
Did you hear about the Welshman whose wife wanted a beauty spot on her face?
He buried her under Mount Snowdon.
How can you tell which house is owned by a Scotsman?
It's the one with the toilet paper on the clothes-line.
WORLD'S HARDEST JOB: Explaining Irish jokes to an Englishman.
SCOTTISH WELCOME: 'Come in - Ye'll have had your tea.'
Englishman: 'You name me one thing that's wrong with England!'
Irishman: 'It's above sea-level.'
Two Englishmen were out hunting...
First: 'I say, we aren't catching any grouse. I wonder where we're going wrong?'
Second: 'Perhaps we aren't throwing the dogs up high enough?'
Have you heard about the Scotsman who found a crutch - and broke his wife's leg?
Driving examiner: 'Now then, Mr Llewellyn, I'm going to test your knowledge of
the Highway Code. What goes red, red and amber, green, amber, red?'
Welsh L-driver: 'A tube of fruit gums?'
NEWSFLASH:
A Scotsman bought a round of drinks in a pub in London last night.
Police are appealing for witnesses to the accident.
KEEP BRITAIN TIDY: SINK WALES!
The Welsh married couple found a solution to the eternal triangle.
They ate the sheep!
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a vending machine?
You can easily get a drink out of a vending machine.
A Scottish grocer put a collection box on his counter with a notice saying:
'FOR THE BLIND'.
Hundreds of charitable customers put some money in it, and, when the box was full,
he opened it - and bought a new blind for the window!
Did you hear about the Kilmarnock farmer who fed his hens on whisky so they'd lay
Scotch eggs?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
The judge gave the man who stole a calendar twelve months.
An Australian farmer tried to cross a kangaroo with a sheep so he would get a
woolly jumper.
'I can't stop telling lies' - 'I don't believe you.'
My wife had her face lifted so many times that now they have to lower her body.
My wife is so jealous and suspicious that even her eyes watch each other.
'Mummy, mummy, I keep going round in circles!' - 'Shut up, or I'll nail your other
foot to the floor.'
Owing to a strike at the meteorological office, there will be no weather tomorrow.
The B.B.C. are to spend £500,000 next year on radio programmes for the deaf.
Inscription on a nun's tombstone: 'RETURNED - UNOPENED'.
Penicillin, the present for the man who has everything.
Our family was so poor my sister was made in Hong Kong.